for the girls…

my [faux] letter to lulu app’s creator, alexandra chong:

dear alex,

hey girl, good job! first-ever app for girls! *high-five* …wait, did period-tracker not count? you mean boys used it too? *pouty-face*

i love the name – serious empowerment there! there’s nothing more empowering than using an app called lulu, rhymes with everyone’s favorite words, googoo, voodoo, poopoo, cuckoo – the list goes on!

thanks for giving us this newly felt sense of empowerment. now my catty girlfriends & i can slander the f*ck out of all our exes [and fake exes] from the past 10 years & ruin them forever help other girls out, because that’s what we girls do, right? hell, we stick together like not at all through thick and thin, especially with facebook frenemies & complete strangers. we’re still in girls vs. boys mode, like in 5th grade right?

[fake exes = guys that rejected friend-zoned us so we’re gonna pretend they were an evil, terrible f*ck in every way]

thank you for having the questionnaire & hashtag-clicking anonymous! i love that i can make things up and no one will ever know the truth. yes, let the lies live on! *devil face* i love that this has become the living dream of gossip girl central – it’s an open book, and by book i mean nondescript gossip magazine flipped to page 6, but instead of invasive gossip about celebrities, it’s invasive gossip about my very own friends! i love feeling 16 again #tbtforever! #highschoolflashback

ok so now that i finished giving my exes negative scores and promoting my single guy friends rating all the boys, i can now focus on my needs. after all, that’s what this is for right? so i venture to my 3 favorites at the moment.

my #1, the accomplished gentleman: the perfect one for now, and maybe more. but WTF, why is his rating so high on lulu? you mean he’s perfect to everyone in his past? am i not special to him? should i dump him? should i stalk the exes? why are they thinking about him & rating him anyway? are they going to try to get back with him now that they are reminded of how perfect he is?

my #2, the douchey hot boy: i like him best when he keeps his mouth shut. wait WTF, his ratings are also very high. what does this mean? is he extra douchey to me or his exes just have low standards? how can this be? should i drop him? what does the fox say?

my #3, the use & abuse boy: he’ll always let me have my way, dangerously, no matter how wrong i am. wait, his ratings are super low. WTF. is he faking this niceness? is he secretly a sociopath? is he even real? is he a unicorn? wtf. but thanks for letting me know he #barksinhissleep – intolerable. time to replace him.

thank you for triggering my inkling of OCD & paranoia – it’s in full force. now i can invest more time into obsessively stalking & strangling interrogating my boys on a crucifix date. i have valid, visual hashtag proof of crimes committed so i have the right to hold them hostage as i finish ripping them to pieces accountable – it’s the truth. it’s real. lulu doesn’t lie.

call me crazy but maybe i only care about what i think about him & not the opinions of clearly less important partners & fakes of his past. but i guess i’m just being old-fashioned and silly because when we girls look out for each other as we do on lulu, that only promises success and strength in numbers. #girlpower

but congrats on being in a serious relationship [with richard branson’s nephew] you scored [with a high-scored guy on lulu! woohoo]! the nytimes article says that you don’t use lulu anymore :( we miss you! fyi, from girl to girl, you should check out the latest ratings for him though – there are some recent hashtags i think you might find to be worth looking at – just looking out for you! :)

thanks again for giving voice & a new app to vindictive girls who just don’t want to grow up let others make the same mistakes. thanks for giving a new reason for boys to be afraid of becoming facebook friends with me so that i can properly stalk them strive to be better people. it’s great! :)

thanks to lulu, i’m writing every guy off until i find THE perfect guy for me, & for now i’m getting a few cats. #singleforever #catlady #feelingparanoidbutempowered #OCDsatisfaction #thankful

[disclaimer: i do not personally use lulu. i’ve just done my research on it & at this point, i don’t trust lulu with my facebook friends #stillparanoid #lookingoutformyboys]

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